O.k I am going to talk about my LEAST favorite genre in the young adult books. This is also the one I am pretty concerned about because there are some themes that are being retreaded over and over and over.
When I was a kid, if you wanted to read YA romance novels you usually turned to sweet valley high. They weren’t perfect- they are pretty darn close to pretty little liars- but it seems Ya fiction has come a long way from that former assessment.
I guess romance novels have become a beast in of itself, and while I was sort of expecting chick lit- which I don’t seem to mind reading from time to time- this seemed a lot more like harlequin romances than anything.
They are also trending number one in teen novels…beside fantasy/ sci fi and dystopian novels.Which have the same similar themes. As I started to read them a lot of them became blurred into the same darn plot albeit some key changes here and there.

Lover Boy as the Bad Damaged Distant Guy

He has penetrating eyes, and strong biceps tends to be a ladies man but doesn’t seem to connect with anyone. He is damaged , in some way or another. He has a dark past which usually involves sexual, physical or some kind of abuse. He has horrible parents or absent ones. He has no direction in life until he meets….

Wimpy Damaged Heroine

Our damaged heroine is a victim. She has been a victim of horrible parents/death/rape/incest/domestic violence… but somehow is still pretty wimpy. She shivers a lot and is unaware of her captivating beauty. That all changes when she meets ( insert ridiculous name here ) who awakens her and frightens her at the same time. Even though he is dangerous, and can’t stand having anyone talk to her or any men around her she feels ALIVE. She has no real ambition of her own. We don’t know any of her talents, we don’t know how she thinks and quite frankly she is pretty annoying. Despite people saying how great she is, she is pretty one dimensional

I hated these two themes more than anything else because it promotes the idea that if you fall in love, your pain and scars will disappear… if anything without therapy a relationship with two very screwed up individuals can become even more conflicted , toxic and codependent. It is not a cure, and romanticizing codependency is an extremely irresponsible thing to do . They very rarely really deepen on how this pain affects the characters. If you really want to know the effect of physical or sexual abuse go read i know why the caged bird sings, among other books. It’s really very dark and you do not recover just by some manly man cradling your weakened body into your arms.

Unecessary Conflict
After a lot of misunderstanding they get close… like fall- in -love- after- three- days -close. And then like there is some random stupid barrier that doesn’t allow them to get closer …. some misunderstanding

At the last minute
They realize their love until

Another unecessary conflict
Usually someone is about to die, is going to die or will die. Only they don’t …they make some miraculous recovery.

The girl is always a virgin
There is a lot of very steamy love scenes in this which surprises me because it is catered to teens where the stupid inexperienced virgin ( that everyone is surprised she is a virgin at 17 ….) gets experienced finally by the bad boy.

All Characters are white and American…
These guys don’t get around much in terms of diversity.

The characters get married
They get married without finishing school, having any ambition or even a view of the future. Most of these characters get married within six months of knowing each other.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Bad romance novels bad. I am not a romance novel expert so please school me but surely we don’t have to retread the same plot over and over to appease teenagers.

Should Girls Wear Makeup?

Posted: July 6, 2015 in art
Tags: , , ,

There has been a rising ongoing centuries long debate about women and the role of makeup and the ” need ” for women to wear it.  When I was a dramatic 17 year old,  I wrote a poem called the ” Loss of innocence” in it I wrote :

And she painted her false lips

And killed the song of innocence

Bird in Flight Illustration by Maryam DiMauro

Bird in Flight Illustration by Maryam DiMauro

A younger friend told me ” But you are like that girl, you killed your inner beauty by wearing makeup”. This seems to be a weird idea, when you grow up you wear makeup. That’s why when  some girls reach puberty they spend their time playing dress up. You are taught to cover up your flaws, your spots , your wrinkles your hairs. You should be flawless, you should be photoshopped.

My mother always told me never to go out of the house after a certain age without makeup. Girls in my classroom and later on in life would always want to give me the ” Ugly Duckling” makeover.  They would tell me ” You would be so PRETTY IF you wore your makeup right”.

Then there is the other side of the argument. The naturalists, the people who tell you that you shouldn’t wear makeup to uphold a certain beauty standard, that you are beautiful because you are you, the unique person with flaws and all. My x boyfriend hated that I wore makeup, he told me I looked much better without it .

There is something problematic with all of these arguments. The problem lies not in the makeup itself but in the fact that we are seeking external validation of how we want to look in that particular day.  I like makeup. I like the smell of it , I like how it sweeps on my eyelids and makes different shapes. I’m artistic, so I love to experiment. But there are days that I just couldn’t care less and I just can’t be bothered. None of these reasons are to make myself attractive to other people. Makeup should not be a reason someone is beautiful but it can be a tool. Makeup can create different characters, explore new dimensions, and it is something people dedicate their lives to. It is also part of a multibillion dollar industry which wrecks havoc on women’s insecurities to make a buck as well as cause irreparable damage to the environment and to animals for no apparent reason other than corporate greed.

Like with everything else in life, it’s how you use something and not the object itself. What we need to remember is that real value of someone’s beauty comes from their soul, the way their heart sings from one place to the next. This does not change. This does not transmute. This transforms. This inspires. This is eternal, not the cake substance we want to put on our face.

After going on fifty dates and one failed relationship in the world of dating in the United States I can say that there is a definite paradox of choice. Frankly, it’s overwhelming and I find that people are always constantly looking beyond their shoulder for the Next Person , the next thrill and it’s more than easy to flee a relationship when something isn’t going exactly to plan. The elusive sense of being happy takes precedence over commitment and growth. People I find become interchangeable. One minute I had guys gleefully messaging me on the phone and the next, they disappear without warning. This feeling that people are just set pieces, that we don’t value the relationships we cement- be it friendship, jobs or love- is a nagging feeling that I have seen a lot in the past year.

When you are faced with a huge amount of choice- people get overwhelemed and are never totally present in the relationship they are in. Furthermore, at times it ceases to fulfill a significant purpose other than having ” fun”. The one question I would get asked is ” What do you do for fun?” Frankly , I never knew what to answer to this. Anything given a chance can be fun. But my ultimate goal when cementing relationships is not to have fun it’s to grow and understand new things.  I found that as time progressed people kept telling each other the basic facts of who they were, but not really went deep into the person’s character. Because dating in the states – at least in my experience- can be so quick and painless people move on just as quickly.

The reason is the possibilities are endless. There’s online dating, meetup groups, bars, religious groups, book clubs, coffee shops. This is especially the case with women, who can easily find a date if they know where to look. They can also easily find a hookup, a one night stand, a temporary relationship, friendship with benefits… but very rarely can people find someone who genuinely wants a long term committed relationship.  Furthermore, things go quite fast, there is no sense of courting or getting to know someone, you go on a date you see if it works and if it doesn’t you never have to seee the person again.

This exchange always made me uneasy. If anything, when you go on a date, or meet someone for coffee you get the chance to meet a new friend or contact. The problem is that people come in with predisposed notions and won’t settle for anything less than what they want. If you aren’t exactly what they want they will more than happily dispose of your acquaintance. This was shocking to me. What happened to all the time you invested in getting to know the person and finding out who they were? Where does all that go?

The opposite problem you can find in El Salvador. The friends you have are generally within a limited social circle of job, who you grew up, your religious group or interest. People don’t get close to strangers. In general, people don’t just casually date either. Most people go into long term commited relationships – or a hookup if it’s kept secret- but they don’t date a lot of people at once. That’s because the choices are limited… there are very few men compared to a huge amount of women.

This creates a strange philosophy in that, if you do ” find a man” you latch unto him and even if the situation is less than ideal -you aren’t physically attracted to them, they are sexist, they have a lot of baggage, they aren’t compatible, etc – women are taught that you should maintain the relationship as much as possible, While the positive side is that there is an emphasis on family, the result is a lot of single mother households, rampant cheating and women who feel that it’s better to be in a bad relationship than be alone because her value as a person is placed on the shoulders of who they marry, Men on the other hand, can easily pick a huge array of women and get the best of the crop even if they themselves aren’t the ” best”.

Women in the united states and Europe are no longer bound as much to marriage as a status symbol.

All of this is due to the fact that we still have a weird concept about love, dating and marriage. We base a lot of our decisions on what the person looks like, what we are attracted to, the initial thrill of courtship than anything based on a permanent long term relationship. We are constantly dissatisfied suffering from a cognitive dissonance because the people we choose don’t fit into an ideal. We mirror what we want in ourselves in other people. We base our own happiness purely on the companionship of others.  No one can possibly carry that burden.  No one has the power to make us unhappy unless we let that happen.

While both cultures have different rituals of courtiship, of love and dating I find both sides to be dissatisfying. We forget that people can come into our lives- be it in an awful way or in a good way- and we can choose to grow and learn from it or sink in constant unhappiness because they don’t fulfill our ideals. We don’t have to stay in a relationship out of fear of being alone, nor should we BE in a relationship out of fear of being alone.  Relationships are wonderful, they are also hard work and a constant source of growth.  We weren’t meant to be alone, but if we do make the choice of being with someone, I believe that at least in my case it would be because we want to enrich our lives , find new perspectives.

Relationships can cause us to see the world from a different vantage point, it can be painful because we see ourselves and our faults and what we need to improve. We have to adapt and change our lives.  True meaningful relationships will also cause a degree of discomfort and pain, but they will also achieve growth. They should not be so painful that it stagnates our own growth – so that we think we have no choice and continue to stand it- but we shouldn’t expect everything to be perfect either.

Human beings are messy creatures, the only thing that is pure and beautiful is the power of the spirit.  The more we give the more we give in return. If we start to see our relationships on a spiritual plane- that is that they transcend what we are doing physically, the nature of transient problems, the power of now vs. the future… if we see our wealth based on the relationships we surround ourselves with , the amount we give and serve others and the way we grow to acquire qualities we can eliminate the huge bout of individualism and paradox of choice.  In acquiring relationships as a means to grow, we can also eliminate a feeling of doing things just to ” latch on” or a fear of what society things is best for us.