Being Alone on Valentine’s day

Lonelienss has never been a problem for me. I spent a lot of time alone as a kid. I always had friends but I was always the odd one out. It’s hard when people rarely understand your unique experience. Until I realized that it’s about our shared experiences that make us unique.
Everyday, you cry and thousands others cry alone in their rooms. You sing, and others are singing somewhere else in the world. You love and smile, and so do others.
We are not really alone, we are just led to believe that we are not interconnected. Every single atom is part of the other, even if society makes us believe that we are unique individuals it’s our inteconnectedness that makes it special.
But we expect for one person, or a couple of friends to fill in our loneliness. To make us fill the void that is in our scarred hearts.
No one can do that. If we listen to the silence, if we hear the moon over the river , if we don’t allow our desires to cloud our vision we can be at peace.
Still, it can be hard. I don’t want to be alone my whole life. I feel like I need people around me, friends family a man I can love.
I want to sit out by the water and sit in companiable silence and read a book with someone by my side. I want the feeling of laughter stitched into my skin. I do not want darkness, or misunderstanding or anger. I do not want toxic relationships to cloud my life. 
I want the feeling of the sun in my fingertips. I am glad for my life. I am glad for God. I am glad for myself.

The Day My Life Changed Forever

Most days blend into each other and you can’t distinguish it from one point to the next, but then there is a Day where your life completely changes for better or worse. There is a marked spot , a Before and an After. Sometimes they come in such a surprising way that you are not even prepared for it’s outcome.
I was in my fifth grade classroom in El Salvador in my British School when it happened. I am not even sure what the lesson was only that I probably was as usual not paying much attention. It was a welcome break to see my mother’s head pop into the room and talk to Mrs. Vides. My mom has had a tendency to pounce surprises on me- good and bad- throughout my childhood. But this was by far one of the biggest.
I watched them from the hallway and I heard a squeal of surprise. What was going on? I wondered to myself.
It was in the time of a civil war, which meant that we were surrounded by bombs and guns but I was still a child and this was farthest from my mind. I was not burdened by this war, it was only something I lived by. Sure, it made me a bit jitterish about different sounds and I made sure to steer clear from the wet grassy fields which supposed to have homemade bombs but for the most part as with most in the city I tuned it out.

So I was not nervous when I saw them talking in the hallway. Mrs. Vides motioned me to get up and told me ” Your mom has an amazing surprise for you” She said in whispers. THe way she looked at me I knew it was going to be a BIG surprise.

I walked to the headmaster’s office with dizzying anticipation. My inner monologue was going into overdrive

My mom won the lottery. We were going on a world cruise to the farthest corners of the earth and we were going to buy an island. I would never have to go to regular school again. We would tour the world and I would get a huge wardrobe and…..

” There’s the surprise! ” Someone enthusiastically clapped. I was brought down to earth suddenly to be in the large headmaster’s office. What was the surprise? All I saw were chairs, a desk and a baby.

” Where’s the surprise??”
My mom smiled and said ” Here , it’s your little brother”.

Say what now??!

Yes, there he was . He was tiny, and only four days old. He was wearing girl clothes because that’s all that people had at the time. He was the color of nutmeg and didn’t cry at all. His little fist grabbed unto my pinkie. I can still remember the pressure of it , how his little nails bit into my skin.

A LIVING DOLL! I thought to myself.

And that was it. I became a sister. No one needed to convince me about it.
We carried the little bundle home. My dad was home at the time and my mother gave him the surprise as well which shocked him too!

I ran up the stairs to find something. I knew it would fit. I took out the snuggy outfit from my cabbage patch doll to fit him and as I suspected it was a perfect fit. It was lemon yellow and had buttons. His hair poked out everywhere.

One of my best friends at the time called me. ” So… did you win the lottery?” She asked, not really believing I had. ” No …. it’s even better! I got a brother!!!” I said, swelling with pride.
SHe didn’t believe that story, I guess it’s hard to believe.

I love you lucas, you are still the best surprise I ever got.