Being Alone on Valentine’s day

Lonelienss has never been a problem for me. I spent a lot of time alone as a kid. I always had friends but I was always the odd one out. It’s hard when people rarely understand your unique experience. Until I realized that it’s about our shared experiences that make us unique.
Everyday, you cry and thousands others cry alone in their rooms. You sing, and others are singing somewhere else in the world. You love and smile, and so do others.
We are not really alone, we are just led to believe that we are not interconnected. Every single atom is part of the other, even if society makes us believe that we are unique individuals it’s our inteconnectedness that makes it special.
But we expect for one person, or a couple of friends to fill in our loneliness. To make us fill the void that is in our scarred hearts.
No one can do that. If we listen to the silence, if we hear the moon over the river , if we don’t allow our desires to cloud our vision we can be at peace.
Still, it can be hard. I don’t want to be alone my whole life. I feel like I need people around me, friends family a man I can love.
I want to sit out by the water and sit in companiable silence and read a book with someone by my side. I want the feeling of laughter stitched into my skin. I do not want darkness, or misunderstanding or anger. I do not want toxic relationships to cloud my life. 
I want the feeling of the sun in my fingertips. I am glad for my life. I am glad for God. I am glad for myself.
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Been a long time….

 

It’s been a long time… and I take complete responsibility for this.  A lot has been going on in my life, but for the longest time I was paralyzed to find the best course of action.  I didn’t know where to start, there was so many things that I became dissatisfied with finding the right approach to move forward.

In a way, I needed that literary bubble to organize my thoughts and take a breather to move forward. I was always working and volunteering but it felt like my life seemed drab and mundane and I lacked any kind of way to wade through the waters of mundanity. Where was I going? Where should I end up? How could I get a better job? How could I find a better life for myself ?

So I did something that made me afraid and uncomfortable, because sometimes we have to face our fears and slay those demons that at times cause us despair.  Coming back to Boston, the place where I feared most for many reasons was a challenge. The city itself is beautiful, but going to live with my grandparents was like living in a pretty gilded cage.  My family’s demons pour forth in the darkness, and I feared I would be dragged down in the process. 

When I came here in September, the leaves had begun to change and so had my life’s perspective. Where was this going? I didn’t know but I had to carve my life out despite any lingering negativity around me. I tried to see the opportunities available to me, and to my surprise there were far more than I had expected. The life paved way to new ideas and emotions despite everything. I decided to go meet up strangers and go to cultural gatherings if I had no friends in the area. I even tried my hand at online dating, wiith some dubious results.  I went to book festivals, and talked to authors.

Here’s the truth of the matter : Despite all my worldly travels, despite meeting everyone from Romanian gypsies to Ecuadorian quechua girls… despite it all I still was in a comfortable zone. I wasn’t going out of my way to find new experiences I wasn’t really willing to get out of my funk and risk anything. So now I am risking things, and the worse that can happen is I learn something new. And that’s far less scarier than I thought. Sometimes the demons in the closet when you pull them in the light they are only in your head.

So go forth fellow warriors and do something that makes you uncomfortable