Not Enough or Too Much : The Power of Love and Judgement

I wasn’t blonde enough. I wasn’t loud enough. I wasn’t quiet enough. I wasn’t organized enough. I wasn’t loved enough. I was too friendly. I wasn’t friendly enough. I was too smart. I wasn’t smart enough. I was too overwhelming. I wasn’t overwhelming enough.
I was too creative. My skirt never was pleated enough. My shoes were never shined . I fell all day and everyday. I was the butt of everyone’s jokes.
I was awkward, and not confident.
All my life, i have heard what I can’t do, and what I can. I have defined my life by who people expect me to be and not who I want to be.

But we cannot possibly live for what others expect of us. We have to listen to that little voice inside which tells us truly, who we are supposed to be.  A lot of times, people project on others their own misgivings. The very things we do not like about others are at times the very things we do not like of ourselves.

I remember a marriage therapist said in a seminar ” When we love someone at first, we see everything we would love them to be. This is not realistic, but not bad either. It’s what we might aspire to be one day. Then we have a period where we become disillusioned and the other person’s faults are magnified tenfold. This is where true growth occurs because it is not their faults we are seeing but our own and how we react to them, and this is the start of true love.

I liked this video which kind of defines this :

So I think, that while it is important to stay true to ourselves, and not listen to negativity, we should also grow on the basis of our relationships.   While the relationship between your husband is a clearly defined role with set expectations , there are other relationships which are not so defined.

Take our friendships.  Friends , on some level, are some of the most pure relationships we can hope to aspire to have. They give us strength when we need them yet we cannot demand from them. They have a choice to accept you or to separate themselves from you. There are no ties, time stipulations or obligations.  Sometimes time can erase all bonds, and this is quite sad. I remember writing a poem about it :

Here we are.
Two strangers staring into space
Here we are
There used to words overflowing, there used to be no secrets overfl
But now they pour out like bleeding storms

There used to be open planes
Now there is secrets
It used to be my haven
I would lay in the green crooked marsh
And know I was safe.
But now
There is not anything to find

There is jagged rocks
Before I used to know things without saying
Now I say things without knowing

I don’t know what is to become of us
This is the last time which the rivers meet
Tomorrow we shall be Others
And Others will no longer fit into the broken reflection of Before
The blood might overflow

There is a way to find that which is lost
It lies behind seeing the magic of yesterday
Seeing the blurry images collide
If you are quiet
If you are still
If you try no to move too much
In between the land of fairies and wings
Where the branches stretch out for miles
There , I will always wait for you
There I shall have the strength to lift u p my weakened fingers
There I might be able to smile
And maybe the butterflies will melt in the sun
And we shall dream
That we were once us
Instead of two strangers staring into a broken space.

But regardless, friendship while it lasts is also something we take for granted. We also have a weird tendency to fragment our lives. Who said that we can’t be friends with our spouses or our mothers? Who says that our relationships should be limited to a certain moment.

I have spoken of this, in terms of our expectations of others and our own expectations. I think we need to stop being so critical of each other and accept and love everyone for who they are. We should also realize that some things that truly bother us have more to do with our own issues than someone else’s. However,  we can also tell someone the truth if we love them , but once we give that pearl of truth out to the universe we have to realize that it is no longer ours. We cannot control it. I think it’s a little like being on a sailboat. Sometimes the waves are too much and we fall from the sailboat. This is the same for relationships. Sometimes we can control it’s direction, and sometimes we have to accept the sailboat’s limitations.


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