Fat Girl

Fat. Even the actual word sounds horrible. It’s the one intolerable sin that society never forgives. It is also the one thing that has total license for ridicule , disgust and unsolicited advice and judgement especially among women. Let’s face it, we are living in a world where you always had to lead up to an ideal,  and it doesn’t matter who you are but what you look like that is important.

I always hated this notion. And it isn’t like if you are skinny you do not have countless scrutiny. I have been ” fat” for a couple of years now, but at times I have felt more at ease then I did when I was ” thin”. Because truth be told, I was never thin enough. I was never good enough, and if I was subjected to unsolicited objectification and attention , of silly competitiveness among women and other mindless things that we are programmed to do and think as a society.

I gained weight for a lot of emotional reasons, and I guess what unnerves people more than anything else is the fact that those who have extra weight it is almost as if they show their problems to the world. They cannot look perfect. Or the ideal.

In Spain, where fat is a very small minority, I got used to people staring at me or insulting me for no reason. In the United States I blended in, and in England it was not a big issue.  I guess after a while you tend to tune out the negativity because if not that’s all you hear.

People find ridiculing people who are fat extremely amusing, from young children to adults. It isn’t their fault, somehow someone fat has become a comical farce, but it does feel like you just want to bury yourself deep inside , and disappear.

I am not sure why we are a society so obsessed with material looks, which is subjective anyways. Beauty is important, but I don’t think it should be everything.  I remember a teacher of mine telling me that in order to get ahead you had to be pretty, and that looks DID matter. It certainly seemed that way with some jobs. I refused to play that game, and I guess it was a term of rebelliousness.

What I find strange how unlike other problems, it is the one thing that solicits people telling you how to lead your life. I am wondering if we would do the same thing with someone who has another problem which is less evident.

Another thing that I find curious is that commercials , movies and television shows teach us that somehow, if we lose weight this solves all our problems. People miraculously have the perfect life.  Once, I lost seventy pounds and I did it mostly because I thought if I did, the boy who I was in love with would love me back. Guess what? He didn’t. Because this is not the magical key.

To be honest, being a super procrastinator that I am, I think I have used being fat as a crutch to not do a lot of things I have wanted to do.  So, I realized I am not going to be ” fat girl” anymore.  Sure, it might take a bit of effort, and it will be super boring, but that’s just what it has to take.

It is also super painful, because in doing so, there is no way to run and you have to confront your issues. I think the best thing to do , if anyone decides to lose weight, is to do for health reasons. But we shouldn’t kid ourselves into thinking that somehow, this makes everything better.  Or that other people are somehow less of a person because they are less than perfect.  We shall never achieve perfection, but we should try to achieve coherence.

Whether or not I achieve my goal though, does not diminish who I am. Ultimately, this is yet another facet of our society entirely obsessed with individualism and our own actions. If we forgot ourselves, then perhaps we would be encouraging instead of diminishing other’s faults, we would see beauty instead of ugliness and we would arise, to hold each other’s hand when things get tough.

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2 thoughts on “Fat Girl

  1. as a fellow “fat girl” i love this post! you’re right, people think it’s ok to be rude to fat people and it’s so wrong! i don’t know about you, but living in el salvador, i hear, “gordita” all the time and it gets me so annoyed! i realize it’s not as much of a big deal here, but i’m still like, i get it, i need to lose some weight, you don’t need to call me “gorda” everytime you see me!

    1. You are so right! It’s ok, I have learnt that it’s just part of the social constructs we have to deal with. But it doesn’t make it ok!

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