You can’t run away from who you are

My life is a bit like a storm. It is frenetic and crazy and then there are moments of quiet calm. In the frantic energy there are things that happen ( take my recent trip to Madrid where I end up in a hostal say the night and have two crazy hostel people keep me up all night with the light on trying to have sex…oh fun!… Or random guy who insisted on my phone number for a date because I got lost… happened twice with two different men!)
And then…quiet descends. Walks in the park, flowering fields, brooks with swans and trees. Solitude. Thousands of friends and these two years I have been alone for a good amount of time… No Bahai community, no cars , no hectic lifestyle , all online..working online as a freelancer you feel like an isolated hermit who comes out for air every so often.
And the truth is…for all this beauty…I can’t stand it. I realized, I can’t deal with being alone.
Anytime I felt crazy about being by myself I would go running to somewhere…
What was I running away from? Pain, my past, things I didn’t want to deal with. Until I grew tired of running. Until the mirror became so clear cut for me…that I couldn’t run anymore.
And there I am folks, face to face, and it’s not that scary anymore. There I face my demons with my newly crafted sowrd…only to discover they were my friends waiting for me all this time. We can’t run away from pain, it will find us. We can’t run away from our past, it will rear it’s head. Once, I was travelling to Germany, and I saw people I hadn’t seen in so long…and all of a sudden all the bad memories blurred away and I was face to face with something beautiful instead.
The truth is, no matter what happens in our lives,it’s how we feel inside ourselves that counts. True happiness, is freedom from the prison of self. Boy, did I memorize that quote…but it’s hard to learn.
When I was 19 I had a dream of Abdul Baha. In the dream, I was walking with Him in this labyrinth and green pastures. I felt such love. All of a sudden, there was a group of girls who came towards me and were mocking me and were very cruel, they were jealous because Abdul Baha was with me. I looked at the ringleader, a girl with black hair and saw my own face etched with hatred. It shocked me.
Abdul Baha then looked at me with such pure love , he loved me soooo much and then he pointed towards the sky and the universe as if to say ” none of this matters, look at the universe and all that encompasses it”… and things became smaller and smaller, an insignificant speck.
We are so focused on others, when really in the end it is not important. The world is so much bigger, so we should face the pain, run with it and then let it go.
I had another dream of Abdul Baha, we were on a boat going towards Haifa…and we stopped on the way to the Shrines on an island. Everyone was fighting. We were so focused on fighting we didn’t noticed a tired tan Old Man. I noticed it was Abdul Baha. I told everyone ” Wait!” But they didn’t listen and they kept going. He told me ” I am tired, will you help Me up? ” I tried but I could not even walk one step with Him. He told me ” You do not carry Me I carry you!” and with that we were running towards the boat
Sometimes our burdens are too heavy, we must leave it and move on, but not be afraid, as it does not make us weak


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